Sabotaging Myself

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So, as I sit, unemployed, in my home in the province, I had a chance to look back at my experience in my first big school. Mainly, I want to share the story of how I met a girl that I knew I did not deserve. Of course, I’ll be changing some stuff a bit and maybe exaggerate some things but I feel like this is just something stupid to share. Enjoy.

By the way, the actual title of this post is “Sabotaging My Love Life” but I realized it was weird to see this title in your newsfeed. Anyways….

Back in September, I transitioned from being stuck in my house taking care of my ill mother to suddenly working in a big school in a big city. The first week, I literally cried but I realized this was a chance for me to grow. In my first day in this new school, I was literally frozen quiet trying to just take in the energy of my new co-workers. They were loud but it was weirdly charming that I’m now a part of this group. As I study the room, this girl comes in. She has the cutest face I have ever seen in this particular profession of mine. Don’t get me wrong, I know beautiful teachers. I have nothing but beautiful teachers in my facebook friendlist, but this girl was exactly my type. Now, this was a problem. I’m not here to fall in love. Damn it, I’m still adjusting to a lot so I have no time for any of this. She has the same energy as my other co-workers, but I just can’t resist staring at her when she talks. This was a harmless crush so it doesn’t really matter.

I remember one day though, I inadvertently blurted out that she isn’t my type. It was supposed to be a joke but I kinda deliver my jokes deadpan, so most people thought I was serious. She thought I was serious, and she had this almost offended look in her face. I only caught a glance though, but I was internally freaking out after I blurted it. After that though, I had many chances to really get to know her. She lives in the same neighborhood I live in. I have chances to walk home with her, and I slowly got to know her. She was extremely nice to me, and it honestly bothered me. I’m clearly out of her league. I don’t deserve to be friends with her. This was my thinking at the time. I know it sounds dumb, but I just have very low self-esteem. I slowly learned to change that in my time at the big school. Then came the owner’s birthday party.

The owner threw a big one that all teachers attended after work hours. When everyone was going home, a bunch of us decided to stay and drink ourselves silly. We drank ourselves out of our mind. It was insane. The cute teacher also went nuts as well. Now, before the party, I had a really bad day. I had a shouting match with a parent, and my supervisor freaking sided with the parent. I was basically made to look like a fool for caring for their child. I drank, but I was sulking in one corner. Cute girl, however, is also at the edge of something else. After my sixth cup of vodka, it was a rich school and I also remember I drank it out of a sippy cup because I worked in the preschool department, she suddenly wanted to dance. She went over to my corner, grabbed my hands and signaled for me to stand up. Of course, I was not in the mood. I was about to say “f*ck off” when I caught a glance of her face. She was puffing her cheeks looking like the cutest thing I have ever seen. Her puff cheeks soon turned to pouting when I wasn’t moving in my chair, and I immediately broke gaze.

In that instant, I kinda fell in love.

It hit me hard. I knew what she did meant nothing, but it really ruined me. I couldn’t sleep for a couple of weeks and I just didn’t know what to do. Every little thing she does know really hits me hard. I could no longer talk to her, I couldn’t sleep well at night because of her, and I was just out of it. Sadly, there is only one thing I need to do now. I need to get a rejection out of her. Once I know she doesn’t feel the same way, then my mind will ease up and I’ll move on with my life. My bro-friends all advised me to never do it in text. When you confess, you need to tell her directly. Now, being the amazing person that I am, I realized I could never get proper timing to be alone with her. I think she kinda had some feelings as well, so I really just need to kill this feeling and bury it. Unable to wait though, I did it in text. I confessed in a message and that was the end of it. She replied kinda straightforwardly: I don’t like you back. I was relieved, and I thought my overthinking mind is finally done. She doesn’t feel the same way. Of course not, I’m nothing to her.

Then I started ignoring her. Yeah, brilliant me just ignored her. I didn’t reply when she talked to me, and I would leave the room when she enters it. It was really pathetic, but the entire thing just feels new to me. For three months, she would try to talk to me in real life and I would just shut her down. I guess a part of me still felt hurt by her rejection and the other part just wanted her to suffer. It was childish, and you can see her often glance at me whenever I talk normal to other girls. I understand her position. After all, she didn’t do anything and now she’s being punished for it. I felt awful, but I had to get away. Thinking of her was affecting my job. It wasn’t healthy anymore. Eventually, she stopped trying. We ignored each other until the end of the school year.

I tried talking to her again, before I left the school, but she clearly didn’t want to be part of anything involving me. She was mad, and I deserve her hate. She still puts on a friendly face, but you can feel the animosity in her words. I tried messaging her, but she doesn’t reply anymore. Basically, I killed this relationship, this friendship into the ground.

Now, I’m not the same man I was before I met her. I’m not the same guy with the low self-esteem. Right now, there is this feeling of regret welling up inside of me because I honestly feel like I had a chance with her. She was just waiting for the right signal from me, and I honestly never took the risk. A part of me just really felt like I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve to be with her. Regret comes after though, and it’s hitting me hard. As I move into a new school, I pray to gawd I don’t meet another cute girl with puffed cheeks because I just found out my particular type of girl.

A part of me also wishes I can meet her again. Maybe I’ll stalk her at the school or in the neighborhood. I do want to improve myself though before I meet her again. She met a guy that was crying at night unable to adjust to his new life. Hopefully, the guy she meets again is a more stronger, reliable and confident person. Then and maybe then, I can finally allow myself to get a rejection in real life.

Or maybe finally get to hug her frail adorable body. Ohmygawd, I seriously hope I don’t meet another girl like her in my new workplace.

Anyways, this chapter of my life is over. It’s done. The new one is waiting, so I’m excited and a bit scared. This time, I am ready and I definitely owe a lot in the big school since I learned so much in it. I met a lot of awesome people, and I met the one that got away. Well, the one I stupidly let go, to be honest.

9 thoughts on “Sabotaging Myself

  1. I’ve had a lot of stories like that myself. Sometimes we lose opportunities to get closer to people because we don’t read the situation correctly or don’t act as we should. More opportunities will come, i’m sure of it. There’s a lot of good (and cute) people out there.
    Keep us posted. I’ve loved this blog and your reviews for a long time, and your rants are a valued companion for me and my troubles. Stay strong and thank you for everything, my friend TPAB!

    • thank you. I always enjoy seeing my silent readers suddenly comment in my posts. It really means a lot. and thank you as well for enjoying posts.
      and you’re right. life just needs to move on and I’m sure there’ll be more opportunities to make up for my mistakes.

  2. This story feels like it’s from an anime, only twice as real and painful to read! Learn from the whole experience and do not stalk the girl.

  3. Sorry to hear about this. I wish I could give you advice, but you honestly don’t want advice from me. Also what happened about being unemployed, I thought you had a new job lined up?

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